“This would be a good time for bandits to attack us,” said Ayoob, eating eggs in the great hall the following morning. The room was almost entirely empty. Besides Ayoob and Geoffrey, the only other person who made it up for breakfast was Abigail Yaxley, who was sitting at a table in the corner, working …
By the time Geoffrey found and returned with four raw eggs, word of the competition had spread. Several villagers were camped out on the edges of the training ground, placing bets. The soldiers were no longer competing just for the gold stars. They were now competing for an audience, which meant that Ohoudulus might well survive …
Ohoudulus stood with his hands on his waist, watching the troops try to organize themselves into teams. “Watch and learn,” he told Geoffrey. “Watch and learn.” He walked to the first team. “Your ties are too loose,” he told them. “If they come undone, you’re disqualified.” He walked around behind the team, sniffed, and continued walking …
“I appreciate what you’re trying to do here,” the Duke told Ohoudulus. “If we don’t improve morale, we’re going to lose the few soldiers that we do have.” “And we have a heart enough time recruiting people to come out here as it is,” added the general. “If fighters go back to Krim City and …
“This is your army?” Ohoudulus The Unliving’s hands were at his waist, elbows sticking out, as he looked over the two dozen men and women on the training ground below him. They were all on the wide stone balcony at the back of the castle. Ohoudulus was wearing long shorts and a sweatshirt. “He looks …
“This isn’t going to end well,” Bartram told Geoffrey. “You’re right, Flame is going to find out.” Geoffrey could see how it would play out. Flame Bunyips, Heartburgh’s alliances and outreach coordinator, would find out that Geoffrey hadn’t been injured in battle at all, and that she had provided medical care under false pretenses. She …
“Well, this is exciting,” the Duke said. “Our first official after-action debriefing.” For the purposes of the meeting, the atheneum had been turned into a war room, with a large map of Krim hung up on one of the walls, completely covering the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. A slate slab was propped up against the shelves on …
“And then what happened?” Flame poured gin over the wound on Geoffrey’s shoulder. He flinched away. He’d had antiseptic poured on his wounds before, back on World of Battle, but it hadn’t hurt as much. The level of pain allowed by Krim’s basic bio avatar simulation was excessive. If this was supposed to teach him …
Geoffrey was very good at riding horses. Sowing hatred and discord usually required lots of travel. He was even better at riding dragons, since they were the faster mode of transportation on World of Battle. Krim, unfortunately, had no dragons. That was a pity, because it could have significantly reduced the time it took to …
“I guess he’s not going to have his soup then,” said Jim, and sat down in Bartram’s chair. He leaned over it and breathed in the scent. “Beans and… turnips?” “Skirrets,” said Quarta Pappa. “And garlic and onions, a little fennel.” Jim slurped up a spoonful. “Tasty.” “Is your friend really planning to walk all …
Geoffrey rode in silence next to the driver at the top of the coach. It was chillier up here, but he didn’t have to deal with Bartram’s constant chatter. The previous hour had been peaceful, as he watched the scenery crawl by. “It that it?” The coach had followed the road around a curve, and …
“When you get to Cleig Grijan, look for Quarta Pappa.” Flame handed Geoffrey a packet. “She’s the village elder.” “Her house is right next to the church on the village green,” added Abigail. “You can’t miss it.” “Fine, I’ll go,” said Geoffrey. “But just to Cleig Grijan. I don’t want to go to the sex …
As Geoffrey walked down to the Drunken Pie Inn, he thought about his strategy. He didn’t quite have the power to run full simulations — he’d have to wait until he was off-world and had access to more than just the human brain that Krim saddled him with. He’d paid extra to max out his …
Geoffrey walked out of the front entrance of Heartburgh Castle with his overnight bag. A couple of changes of clothing, a few jars of skin care products, hair pomade — just the bare essentials. He hoped that Flame would bring anything else they would need for the trip. After all, she’d been on Krim longer, …
Olav nudged Geoffrey awake. “Mr. Napadayushyi? Mr. Napadayushyi?” Geffrey propped himself up on an elbow. “Did we have a meeting scheduled? We did, didn’t we?” “No, no, I mean, yes, you wanted to talk to me today, but this is about something else. Duke Percheval would like you to come up to his suite.” Olav …
Geoffrey lay on the couch with his eyes closed, waiting for the raw egg to take effect. Back on World of Battle, healing potions started taking effect instantly, and there would be a health meter showing him that it was working. Here on Krim, there were no indicators. All he had to go by was …
At Castle Heartburgh, breakfast was served buffet-style, in the great hall on the ground floor, on the north side of the castle. The food was on sidebars on the west side of the room, directly across from the staircase. Windows opened out over the training yard. There was porridge, and bread, and stew left over …
“Wait, you can’t go in there…” the page said. Geoffrey shoved him out of the way and threw open the door. The general was climbing out of the bathtub and his derriere, glistening with water droplets, was pale and flabby. “Hey!” The general grabbed for a towel and turned around. “What’s the meaning of this?” …
“General Lukomendrius Dungerame is in here,” the page said, opening the door. Hot, steamy air washed over Geoffrey and he stepped back. “Is that you, Geoff? Come on in!” The general was soaking in a large tub, one leg hanging over the edge, in a small, wood-paneled room that smelled of eucalyptus and juniper, probably …
Geoffrey’s lodgings were located outside the castle proper, in an inn not too far from the castle entrance. He headed for a side door, instead, to avoid bumping into anyone he knew. He opened the door and walked right into Flame Bunyips. “What the hell!” Heartburgh’s alliances and outreach coordinator staggered to keep her balance. …
“General Dungerame! The new military strategist is here.” General Dungerame turned around in his seat. “Hello, Geoff.” He dismissed the page with a wave of his hand. “Sit down.” “Hi, Luke.” Geoffrey walked out through a set of heavy wooden doors onto a stone balcony that overlooked the training field. Below, Heartburgh’s army was doing …
The atheneum turned out to be a drafty old library. Geoffrey arranged the stack of books on the table in front of him. He couldn’t find any military strategy books, not in the 30 seconds he spent looking, but did find a copy of the Krim terms of service, and an encyclopedia of ancient Krim …
Geoffrey found Flame Bunyips in the stables, brushing one of the horses. “There you are,” he said. “Who, me?” said Flame, turning around. “No, the horse,” said Geoffrey, and stroked the animal’s neck. “The stablehand said there’s nothing wrong with her.” “Then I’m sure she’s happy that you’re here with her instead of him,” said …
Duke Percheval stood on the steps of Heartburgh Castle and looked down on the town green in front of him, where half-a-dozen wagons were lined up and discharging cargo and passengers. He imagined that he looked like King Henry the Eighth, but he had a fondness for primary colors and looked more like a clown, …
The accountant rubbed his wrists and staggered around the fire. “Did you have to kill them all?” Ellison stepped over one of the corpses, working the kinks out of his arms. The stars were bright in the sky. Normally, in Krim City, the constant smog blocked much of the view. Out here, you could see …
Ellison lunged towards the fire, trying to grab the poison capsule, but it was gone. One of the guards immediately grabbed him by the back of his jacked and pulled him away. “None of that,” said the guard. “We went to a lot of trouble to catch you.” One by one, the prisoners were re-shackled, …
Ellison didn’t know if the cult was watching him or not, so he followed the recommendation to go the King’s Arms and asked loud and detailed questions about the menu. “What do you mean, you don’t have turkey legs?” he complained at the bar. “The Middle Ages were all about turkey legs.” The bartender pointed …
Ellison stepped through the gate in his new avatar, wearing a randomly-generated face and a default adventurer outfit. He looked around as if he were on Krim for the first time. Matilda was nowhere in sight, but there were a lot of people milling around between the merchant stands in the Gate Plaza. Or she …
Ellison and Matilda met with the Round Krim Society late the following morning to deliver the bad news. The brothers were in the main meeting room downstairs, sitting around one of the long tables at the back, drinking herbal tea. Linota stood up when she saw them walk in. “Did you find him?” Ellison shook …
The wench avatar was a big mistake. Barking Street was much shorter when Ellison had walked up it while wearing the assassin outfit, with its long pants, jacket, and heavy, hooded wool cloak. Walking back down to Aldwich Row in a skirt and a bodice-baring chemise was an endless march. At least the skirt had …
Matilda and Ellison exited the Aldwich Row Community Center through same back door that they had come in through. There was a line of people in the alley and they pressed in as soon as the door was opened. Matilda pushed the most aggressive devotees aside but Ellison had neither her forceful personality nor the …
In the hallway outside Remember Keturah Bohannon’s office Ellison stopped to check the floor. “Do you see any scuff marks?” he asked Matilda. “You mean, from when Remember dragged Fulke out of his office, into hers, and threw him out the window?” She pursed her lips and looked at the floor, then grabbed an oil lamp …
Returning to Krim never got any easier. Even knowing that the fleas were all in his head, the minute he stepped through the gate, his entire body began itching again. His body felt heavier. His shoes were too tight around the toes, and too loose at the heel. The air, full of soot and aerosolized …
After getting back to city center, Ellison veered off for the central gate while Matilda continued down Knots Hollow Way, to the rooming house on Marylebone Place where Fulke lived. Ellison’s brother, Jerald Crewe, owned an investigation agency that mostly handled background checks and delivered subpoenas. When Ellison got out prison, Jerald was the only …
“You should have come and talked to me first,” the waitress said. She came up to the banister, keeping Ellison between her and Matilda, and looked over the bay as she tilted her head towards him. “I know all the goss. I’ll give you the straight story.” “What did Captain May lie about?” Ellison asked. …
“Apparently, to have a completely realistic physics engine, you need a computer as big as Krim itself,” said Ellison, walking up to Matilda’s table at the King’s Armpit. She normally sat at the bar. The choice of the table, in the far corner, was so that she could have a private conversation with some guy. …
Taenaran the Bard confirmed that he saw nobody else upstairs except Brother Fulke before the rehearsals began, then nobody else went up and down all afternoon. “We were short of chairs and a couple of guys had to sit on the stairs,” he said. “Nobody snuck past us.” “Did you go upstairs at anytime during …
“So let me get this straight,” said Ellison, looking around the office. “You want us to find evidence that Krim World administrators kidnapped your leader…” “Brother Fulke,” said Brother Linota. “…And are keeping him trapped in some kind of secret dimension where they keep everyone who disagrees with them.” “Yes.” “So that you can sue …
Damp darkness surrounded the back door of the Aldwich Row Community Center. It was colder by the door, with a mist rising up from somewhere to the right of the entrance. The only light was a faint glow from a second-floor window of the building on the other side of the alley. Someone up there …
Ellison put his hands in his pants pockets. He could feel the notebook in one of the inside side pockets of his jacket, just under his left elbow. “What’s in the notebook?” he asked. “Nothing that anybody else would care about,” said Rodge. “Just a record of transactions between me and Elea.” “Sounds very romantic.” …
Why would Rodge hire someone to steal a blank notebook? Ellison stopped under a streetlight and pulled it out of his pocket. He felt the pages. There was still nothing hidden in them or between them. He put the notebook away and continued down Leadenhall back to the Barley Mow Inn. Maybe Harmen Chapman stole …
Quimby Plummer, owner of the Barley Mow Inn, refused to tell Ellison where Donna lived. “I know you’re working for that Rodge guy,” Quimby said. “After you two dragged my customer right out of here, I’m seriously considering kicking you out. Next time, drag them out after they’ve paid for their meal.” Ellison sighed, then …
Matilda left, to put up more reward signs and to listen for gossip about the jewel. Ellison stayed behind. With Rodge down in the basement, whipping the thieves, it could be a good opportunity to talk to the guild members. And have some chamomile tea. Danmak had a pot going in the break room and …
“Wait at the entrance,” Matilda told Ellison as she walked into the inn. “Don’t let him go upstairs or into the kitchen.” She pantomimed a knife across her throat. “You want me to slit his throat?” he whispered. “No. If he gets to the kitchen he might slice his own throat and we’d lose him …
The city hall was, in theory, a great place for secret meetings. Krim administrators didn’t allow any hanky panky inside the building. They had no problems with their residents being subject to grotesque acts of violence, but didn’t want to become victims themselves. Any user who violated the rules could be permanently banned from the …
Rodge Bannister didn’t want to offer a reward for the return of the Jewel of Rhotar. They’d recovered everything except a dozen or so of the smaller, less valuable previous stones and historic artifacts. The Gang of Four had either hidden them somewhere where Rodge and his mercenaries couldn’t find them, had already sold them, …
On the way back through Krim’s welcome area, Ellison took the opportunity to reset his avatar, so he wouldn’t have to go back in wearing his old, dirty clothes and his old, tired, body. He still kept his same look. The body was his, back before the explosion that killed him a little more than …
Ellison didn’t stick around for any of the torture. He didn’t think it would be particularly useful, first of all. Back in the old day, people would confess to just about anything for the torture to stop. But also, it just didn’t sit right with him. Sure, it wasn’t real. Not really real. But it …
The rain had ended by the time Ellison left the guild and he went straight back to his room at the inn and fell deep asleep. He slept through breakfast, and through lunch as well so by the time he made it downstairs all that was left was cold cabbage that the cook was about …
“I suspect that Gervis has been finding opportunities to climb that back watch tower and drop the stolen goods down to one of his accomplices standing outside the wall,” Ellison said. “It’s hard to see who’s going up and down because the guild house and the stables are in the way.” “Well, now that’s all …
The four thieves laughed in relief when Matilda left with the two other warrior women and ordered another round of beers for the road. Then Gervis stood up and walked over to Ellison. “I saw you sitting over here with Matilda,” the stablemaster said. “At first I thought you guys were here to arrest me, …
“Don’t look now, but there’s a table at the back with four guys at it,” Matilda told Ellison in a low voice. “I know. My guy is there,” he said. “The one who just walked in?” “No, the one he kissed when he sat down.” “That’s Trozganoth the Anointed,” she said. “He knits scarves and …
Two Toe Toe continued his circumnavigation of the Armstrong Guild compound, but Ellison had had enough. He was tired, and his bones hurt from having fallen on the stones and then being crushed under Tom. He retraced his steps through the alley back to Knots Hollow. As he approached the street, he saw Gervis the …
Ellison stepped out through the front gate of the Armforge guild, onto Knots Hollow Way, and debated about whether to head straight back to the Barley Mow for some dinner, ale, and a good night’s sleep, or to try to catch up with Matilda. On the one hand, Matilda could be just about anywhere. On …
“I really thought you were onto something there,” Two Teeth Tom told Ellison. “One of the maids saw Gorehair and the other two walking back from this direction. Plus, Gervis is the most antisocial of us all. He could easily be replaced by an impostor and we wouldn’t notice.” “Hey,” said Gervis. “I’m standing right …
“They’re the Gang of Four,” said Matilda. “They’re famous. They case their targets, figure out who has access but doesn’t interact with other people much, and steal their identities while the commit the crime. They usually knock their victims out and tie them up somewhere, but getting Hellcut, Gorehair, and Rainbow Squirtle passed-out drunk was …
It was getting late in the afternoon, but Derek decided he had enough time to walk them down to Lothbury Street. “I haven’t had a chance to visit the wine shop yet,” he said. “I’d like to see how Lucy and Lora are doing.” They walked east along Marylebone to Aldwich, then followed Lothbury Street …
Marylebone Place was a street of ill repute. Not because of its various houses of prostitution but because it was a street that saw a great deal of vehicle traffic but was located far enough from city center that Krim administration kept forgetting to do repairs. The cobblestones surface was torn up, making it a …
Before leaving, Ellison and Matilda had a chat with some of Rodge’s security team. They weren’t happy that Rodge had brought in outsiders to deal with the problem. “It’s almost like he doesn’t trust us to do our jobs,” said Two Teeth Tom, newly back from the dead. “Just because someone got the drop on …
Two weeks later, Ellison and Matilda met up with Simond and the other investors at the docks to see the boat set sail. She’d been renamed the Nina. Ellison had been following the gossip in the bars. After Pompas had been marched through the city, word had spread quickly about what happened, and Krim residents …
Ellison got to the Simond Fine Art Gallery first, even though he made a detour to the Central Plaza so that he could pop back out through the main gate and change into his regular avatar. For a few minutes, he was worried that Pompas had somehow managed to escape again. Then he saw them …
“I’m sure my boyfriend will be back any minute now,” Ellison said. “I’m not in the way, am I?” The sailor grunted and looked up at the setting sun, the same way that someone on a different, more civilized, world might pointedly check their watch. While Ellison had been keeping an eye on Pompas’ boat, …
Ellison deliberately avoided looking at Pompas’ ship as they walked past it, for fear of somehow spooking him. “So, going over the edge of the world, huh!” he said, in a extra-high pitch. “I don’t know, the weather looks a little cloudy,” Matilda said, looking up at the sky. “Right, right. You want to sail …
At the Crow’s Nest Cafe, Ellison and Matilda grabbed beers and a bowl of fried skirrets and sat at one of the two tables on the balcony with a clear view of the docks. They could see Ander’s ship down below them. It looked too small to make a long sea-voyage. “It must be insanely …
The docks were located to the west of city center, where Krim River flowered into the Bay of Krim. They were easy enough to find. Ellison could simply follow the fishy smell. Krim’s owners were remarkably unimaginative when it came to coming up with names, but the docks were a true work of art. The …
Matilda and Ellison walked Jerald back to the main gate. The company he ran, Crewe Investigations, now had its main office in a business district on Facepage. Jerald had been renting space in a nice office park, but that world had been swallowed up by Gobble. Given the choice of being part of the Gobble …
“We only had a small window of opportunity to grab him,” Matilda explained to the client, Count Simond. “The building had multiple exits. If we’d taken the time to get enough bodies together to guard all the exits, we would have lost the chance to grab him. But something spooked him, he ran out the …
“It’s a little firm called Pocoto,” said Norbert. Ellison restrained himself from giving Matilda a high five. That’s what they were looking for. Instead, he walked closer to Jerald and Norbert and pulled at Jerald’s sleeve. “We turn left up ahead,” he told him. Jerald glanced at Norbert, who sped up his sales pitch. “Several …
“And finally we’ve come to the worst of Krim’s fine drinking establishments, the King’s Armpit.” Matilda Scarletstrike swung open the door so that Ellison Davo and his brother, Jerald Rex Crew, could walk in. Jerald hesitated in the doorway. The Krim’s Armpit could be a little overwhelming to newcomers. It was a bit of an …
The guild had rearranged the furniture in the member’s lounge for the hearing. The couches and arm chairs had been pushed back against the walls, and there were now four rows of chairs in the center of the room. The refreshments table hadn’t been moved, though. It was still off to the side, covered with …
“So it all hinges on Ismena’s testimony.” Ellison leaned over the hand-written statement from Gus’s girlfriend and sole alibi. “Do you think she’ll be credible?” Matilda shrugged, then raised her self on her elbows so she could look over at the paper, her head almost touching Ellison’s. “Look here,” she pointed. “She writes her letter …
Ellison met up with Matilda again back at the Barley Mow Inn. And she immediately started in about the elephant. “It’s a smallish elephant, but no, I don’t know how they got it in there,” he said. “I didn’t ask, and I don’t care. For all I know they chopped it up into pieces and …
“Hey!” Just outside the doorway, Gus threw up his hands. “Warren already told you that he didn’t see who attacked him!” The chancellor grudgingly nodded. Or perhaps the chief assassin did see who attacked him, but was too embarrassed to admit that he’d been caught out. Saying so out loud, though, especially without any evidence …
Ellison had never been inside the Paladins of Death guild hall before. The entry hall was two stories high and was a museum of artifacts and successful assassinations. The focal point was a giant elephant. It’s glass eyes followed Ellison across the room. Was the elephant itself the target of an assassination, or its means? …
There were two guards on duty at the assassins’ guild house. They’d beefed up security a bit since the murder. Ellison didn’t recognize either of them, but figured that the one with the wooden leg had been on duty the previous night. “Nimble Wind?” he asked the female guard while the other went to fetch …
“Have you heard the latest?” Matilda Scarletstrike took one of Ellison’s greasy, overly-salted deep-fried skirrets. The skirret was a stringy, pale root vegetable about the size of a pinky finger. A bitter, anemic carrot. Or maybe a zombie pasnip. She pointed the skirret at Ellison. “The head of the assassin’s guild has been assassinated.” She …
Ellison teleported to Facepage’s Main Street. Eventually, everybody came through here. Even people who hated Facepage dropped by, because their friends lived here, or because it was the most convenient spot to meet. Technically, Facepage was just another virtual world, like Krim. But practically, it was more of an all-purpose platform. People who still had …
Back on Banking Street, Ellison shifted Bella’s framed portrait from one shoulder to another. He should have argued harder for removing the canvas from the frame. He checked the list Bob gave him. Bella’s gallery was off to the south. But Matilda’s favorite bar was to the north east, and the Barley Mow Inn was …
“Your wife is trapped inside the rug?” Ellison stepped away from Bob to get a better look at the man. He didn’t look crazy, but, on Krim, you never knew. “Why not? It’s a virtual world, isn’t it? Anything is possible.” “Krim doesn’t have magic,” said Ellison, slowly and carefully, to avoid setting Bob off …
Fried skirrets. Fried cabbage. Fried skirrets with cabbage. Cabbage soup. Ellison Davo stared at the chalkboard with the day’s menu. His stomach growled. Last night’s dinner was also cabbage. Breakfast had been leftover cabbage from the night before. “Sorry,” said Quimby Plummer, the proprietor of the Barley Mow Inn. “We’re still having problems with our …
“Well, I’ll leave you to do whatever it is you need to do. Let me know when we can move the body.” Rodge frowned at the corpse. The flies had found it, and were beginning to buzz around it. “Hold on, what do you expect us to do?” Ellison asked. “Well, you know,” Rodge waved …
Rodge Bannister led them to the other side of the room, where heavy curtains hung across the entire back wall, a guard at each corner. Rodge nodded at the guards to open the curtains.
“The man had me kidnapped and tortured.” Ellison tried to dig his heels in but Matilda easily dragged him out of the Barley Mow Inn and onto Leadenhall Street.
One benefit of dying, Ellison thought, was that he got a fresh new avatar. A washed avatar.
An avatar wearing new, clean clothes.
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Ellison walked away, not glancing back. If Usman was going to stab him in the back, Ellison wanted it to be a surprise. He didn’t want to see it coming. It was the anticipation that was the worst.
“World of Battle doth have much to be admired.” The speaker raised his flagon of ale, spilling some on the bar patrons around him. “To the World of Battle!” Someone tossed a fried skirret at his head.
Mitchell rushed through the Krim main gate, through the central plaza, across the street, then paused in front of the King’s Arms to catch his breath.
All 13 installments of the Time of the Meatheads novella are now up. The full text will remain free until it goes through final editing and is posted on Amazon. This is also an opportunity for early readers to comment on the text and suggest improvements and corrections before it goes live. You can even …
Final installment posted in Time of the Meatheads Read More »
It was Wednesday, so Mitchell had the day off. For a while, he puttered around in his garden, watching the dragonfly drones nibble at the grass. Once in a while one would spot a weed and dive bomb it. But after a while, even watching the grass grow got boring.
The door to the King’s Arms banged open and Donna, startled, dropped the stack of souvenir coasters she was in the process of distributing to all the tables. The woman who stepped in was tall, easily a head or two taller than Donna. Muscular. Her metal armor was dull and banged up. She was a real warrior, not a noob wannabe. And she looked familiar.
The coach rolled down one street, made a turn, and down another. Mitchell peered out the window as the gate faded from view. The gate that would have taken him off of Krim and back to civilization. “I’ve got the plague, you know,” he told his captor.
“I couldn’t be any clearer.” The tavern’s day manager slapped her hand on the table in front of Donna. “The salt goes into the white bowls. The pepper goes into the black ones.”
Michell crossed the street to the Dirty Apple. There were more bars further down, he was sure of it, but he was equally sure that he hadn’t walked that far on Saturday night.
“Well, hello miscreant!” Ellison Davo grinned as he looked backat the ID print in his document packet. Yup, it was the same guy. “Who, me?” The warrior turned towards Ellison, blood still dripping from his sword as the victim at his feet screamed in pain.
“I’m not a weirdo stalker,” Mitchell told the bartender at the Bouncing Octopus. The tavern was about twenty-minutes from Krim’s gate. That was about how long it had taken to walk to the bachelor party on Saturday. Wasn’t it?
Fried skirrets and egg, skirrets and cabbage, and slaughtered cow parts. Donna rattled off the lunch menu like an old pro. Her fourth day and she had it down cold.
Everyone was staring. The other party attendees. The wenches. The musicians. Charlie. And Harmon, of course.
Donna leaned over the bar to peer into the mirror on the back wall. One of her curls was starting to droop. She wet a finger and twirled the strand back into shape.
The four of them — Charlie, Mitchell, and two other guys — walked through the gate and into Krim proper. The rest of the bachelor party was already waiting for them at their destination, Charlie had said.
